Every time.

Every time I hear that I am going to UK this June (12th June to be exact), I can't help but to feel rather uneasy or feel like my heart skips a beat.

There's so many uncertainties to this. I don't know what will happen to Kevin and I later, or how my future will be. Many experienced ones told me not to be too serious in this relationship but how?

Kevin and I had a talk about this. We both agreed that things may be different later. Now the question is, HOW different? How different will I be? How different will he be? How different will we both be? With so many exposures and experiences for us to go through after this, with so many people we will be meeting..

Thinking about UK scares me now. What has happened to me who used to be looking VERY forward to go abroad? Where is the me 2 years ago? I am very lucky, and I am feeling grateful that I am able to go but what makes me fear of going abroad is Kevin. I know I am only 21 and I might have other chances to meet other guys or there are many other fishes in the sea. For now, he is all that matters among all other guys.

He has been treating me more than well. For that, I appreciate him. He has been nothing but forgiving, caring and understanding. I did mistakes again and again, while he forgives again and again.

Guilt has been filling me up for seeing how he suffers and never tell.

Maybe, when I come back, we won't even be together anymore. All the happy and sad times we had, might turn into fading memories that money cannot buy where I will cherish forever.

Or maybe, he will not be able to visit UK.

You will tell me not to think too much. But what the elders tell me, is different from what my friends tell me. What they tell me, is for my own good. I dare not stay away from the reality as I am afraid of what great impact they might give me..

It happened to me once for not wanting to listen, so now, I am only trying to reduce the impact.

What made me post this very very emotional and a-part-of-me post, is the documents / files my friend has posted for all my batch mates to read to prepare for our departure to UK where we will all be expected to complete our final year of MPharm.

I must admit Kevin is the biggest part in my MPharm Phase 1 life.

I also realized a lot of things. Loneliness will always be there.

Thank you, Kevin, for coming into my life.