i've not been blogging & i am trying my best to blog now. & i hope i won't go missing again.
anyway.. this would be the most lousiest & useless post ever because it'll be about relationship, & it'll be #mystory. & long winded so beware.
obviously not everyone will have a smooth sailing relationship. & the part i am going to talk about, is
the beginning of the relationship.
i know i am not the only one who face this, & i might be 1 of the few who acts this way. the reason to this is because of trust.
"trust takes a long time to build & seconds to destroy"
sounds familiar? yes it should be familiar to everyone.
my boyfriend and i started off as friends normally, & when he decided to take this relationship a step further, it broke it friendship, not because i didn't want it but i don't trust guys' words. i know, not all guys are jerks, etc. but i grew up in an environment that has scarred my perception, for life.
he didn't stop there, although he knew he was treated unfairly.
i knew it too. but i didn't care, because i was selfish. i liked him, but not enough to start a relationship & i still wanted it. for fun. for excitement. to cure my broken heart because i got my heart broken by another guy.
& how i got my trust issues worse
back when you're in high school & you're in a relationship which you thought will last, you'll trust almost everything your other half says. i mean,
everything. sometimes you will not be sober enough to think what's right or wrong, or which sounded more real & what not. at that particular point, i trusted whatever my used-to-be other half said about future plans with me. & as time passes by, it fell into pieces because of mistakes made. shit happens, really. what i really did not expect was, he would leave me. he betrayed my feelings & my trust. i think it was somehow like a threat but i didn't notice? the reason why i didn't notice is because we were together for more than 3 years.
yes, more than 3 years.
it was at the point when i was most vulnerable - pms. (screw you people who will say don't use the whole period issue as an excuse. it's not an excuse, okay. it's when your hormones are screwed up, & how to make it right? there's no way to make it right.) plus i didn't get the results i wanted, so i was feeling down & all. i broke down that night, on the phone. only to hear this after a 20 minutes worth of crying phone call - "i'm too sick of all this, i can't take this anymore" when he told me, "i will never leave you. forever." 1 month before that.
i decided to flunk my studies that year (to which my dad still thinks that i was being playful that year until now but really, i gave up in everything, i didn't have the heart to study anymore, etc because of 1 guy) although i knew i could have ignored it but it was tough because i really didn't know what to do at that time.
i spent 7 months crying because of him, to recover. what happened to the 8th? i realized that SPM was near - 4 weeks away and i haven't even started studying!? i had form 5 work to catch up with, & i had form 4 work to revise. in 4 weeks. then i couldn't give a crap about it anymore.
in that whole 7 months, i don't know why but i begged him to come back to me. i really don't know why i was
that desperate. i did tell him that i don't mind breaking up but please, any time but not that year because that year was very important, and i don't want to screw up my studies. i didn't mind if he had no feelings for me or whatever but please be there just for a few months.
whatever he would say whenever i cried:
before break up please dont cry because when you cry, i feel useless, & it hurts..
7 months i don't feel anything whenever you cry
i knew he had no heart for me anymore, but i really was desperate to put that cellophane tape on my heart just to hold it back for awhile more. but failed.
since then i had no faith in love. plus since a 3 years old relationship can break that easily, what does a relationship signify? i was 17-18 at that time, so yes i definitely know i was young & naive. but i was still learning. its easy to say, "dump that guy & move on". not everyone can do that, you know? everyone is different.
when i was ready to love, i get rejected again & again. until i gave up & chose to play around instead. & when i was ready to love again, i got my heart, broken to the core where i had nowhere right to turn, and i just do not want to get myself into any serious relationship anymore.
i took longer time to get over the guy whom i had no relationship with compared to my ex. i have no idea why, but i really liked him although i knew i had no chance with him, at all. i admit i was stupid & i let him take advantage of my feelings & allowed him to trample over my heart.
the time when i finally let this guy go, is when i'm with Kevin, my current boyfriend. yes, i was still missing this guy when i already have a boyfriend. i only realized that he was not worth a single brain cell of mine
when i woke up suddenly knowing that Kevin has done a lot for me, and for us.
he is the one who made this relationship work.
he is the one treating me like a princess when the other one treats me like dust.
he is the one who cooks me food whenever i am hungry - when i am supposed to be the one dealing w/ cooking.
when it comes to food, no one fights with the provider :)
he is the one who hugs me warmly to let me sleep whenever i feel like sleeping.
he is the one who tries all his best to make me smile when i cry.
he is the one who closes his ears whenever i am pms-ing & he knows when.
he is the one who tolerates all my nonsense when others couldn't.
he's right, i never put any effort in this relationship. &
a promise i made to myself recently, that i would make it up to what i've done wrong, & all the unfair treatments i gave him.
it took me almost a year to realize that i really do love Kevin. i never dared to admit that i do although i tell him "i love you". yes it means that those 3 words meant nothing to me. it's because i thought since guys can say them w/o feeling anything, why can't i?
to those of you who have similar trust issues like i do, your time will come when you realized that not trusting for a certain period should come too its end. but then again, do protect your heart because you have the right to. give him time to prove himself, & i am not saying weeks or months are enough. it took me almost a year, & others may take more than that to open up to trusting again.
even now, i don't trust him 100% but i do trust him a little more than before :)
i also realized this when Kevin and i argued even more when i brought this trust issue up, and i said i don't trust him & never will give a crap about trusting him. little did i know it shook him to the core & he kept it to himself, until when everything was calm again, he told me he felt very hurt about what i said. i thought he doesn't care, and what he wants out of this relationship is nothing but fun.
we're together for 1 year 22 days now :) & still counting.
& still trying to trust him more.
